The Mean Reds or Something Like It

It's 3:12 a.m. my heart is racing, my nerves are fidgety and I have no idea what's wrong with me. I can only think of the lines between Holly and Paul in Breakfast at Tiffany's. If you're not familiar with it, it goes a little something like this.

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds? 
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues? 
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? 

I have the mean reds cousin or something. Lately I've been feeling incredibly anxious. The worst bit is I've also been feeling a little out of touch. As if I don't matter that much. I suppose I'm a bit depressed. I've been trying desperately to Shake It Out.

I think I know where most of my uneasy feelings are coming from. Late last year I did a couple of posts related to my weight. I honestly thought that  blogging about my weight lose struggles would help me lose weight. It turns out I still didn't have the motivation I needed to keep going. I stumbled and fell hard now I need to pick up the pieces and start my journey again. Starting over is the hardest part. 

The next major thorn in my side is the fact that I want to be a author of a young adult books series so badly it hurts. I've been rejected so many times I started to doubt myself. Recently Poets and Writers have a few contests coming up. I've decided to enter them. I'm hoping that a contest win will help restore my faith in what I've always believed to be my God given talent. 


Third but not least my relationship has been confusing lately. I never thought I'd be the girl who wanted a wedding or would consider having a child. Slowly I've transformed into someone I don't recognize. 


Anxiety aside ultimately I just want to be happy. 


I think I'm all vented out for now

Hearts, 

Jay

Embarrassment

I thought about making a new post every day since my last post. The reason I haven't made a new post is simple;I'm embarrassed. Yes that's right embarrassed, the shame that comes with no longer being able to fit into your skinny pants, the horror that stirs inside when the number on the scale not only didn't go down but raised. For awhile I thought that I would ignore things but that voice in the back of my head kept coming back. It told me to own my mistake and move on. Now that I'm owning it I hope that I can move forward with my weight loss plans. at 5'1 or possibly 5'3 I didn't hear the GP well...Shortness aside I'm an unhealthy 272. On the plus side I'm taking up boxing. I don't have much to say with love,



Jay

It's been so long

Hello chummies!

Do you hate me? Fear not I am back. I'm so sorry it's been so long since I've posted. For my American mates I hope you've had a brilliant Thanksgiving. For my English lads/lasses I hope you enjoyed your regular Thursday. Remember back at the beginning of le month I posted a clothing motivation. I have to be honest I epically failed. Not only didn't I get the Forever 21 polka dotted blouse I gained weight. Horrors! As soon as I started working and forcing on getting a second job my priorities shifted. In trying to get the second job I went through hell and back. I took drug tests, a background check. I did it all, everything they asked for. Now with this second job it was the second time I was going through these things for the company I wanted to work for. The first time around for some unknown reasons they couldn't open a store like they planned to and the second time around my background came into play. Now here's the odd thing I've been a security guard before. To be a security guard the FBI does your background check before they issue you a guard card. So yes I was extremely confused with what happen. Turns out I'm a victim of identity fraud. Who would want my identity. I'm a struggling college student/writer near her thirties. I'll officially be thirty this December 22. On top of all that the job I do have is seasonal and retail. I have to say I've forgotten how much I loathe retail. I don't think I would mind it so much if I was staying at the store after the holidays. However when the regular employees know you're not staying they don't feel the need to get to know you, especially if you're not a sales associate which I'm not I decided to work in stock, thinking it'd be the same as it was when I worked for the company way back in 2000. It's not! For now I just wanted to do a quick update. Some time this week  I'll share with you how despite gaining weight. I'm almost in my size 16 trousers. I still have A TON OF WORK TO DO!


J. SKY

Clothing Motivation Part 1

Hello chummies!

This morning I rolled out of bed, brush my teeth, washed my face, grabbed some sweatpants, a tank top, socks and laced up my trainers and went running around my neighbourhood park.


Trust me a lap around the park is no easy feat it's huge


These are just a few of the things inside the recreation centre now imagine running around the park. That is what I did this morning and what I plan to do this afternoon, along with Jill's ab workout and yoga. Why? I want this gorgeous polka dot top from forever 21.



I will not allow myself to have it until I weigh myself next week and confirm that I'm half a stone/7pounds less than I was when I last weighed myself.

J.Sky 
 

November's Goals

Hello chummies!

I left you for a short while to deal with every day life things. Work, work, school, school, diet struggles, exercising less, than shaking my head in disappointment. I for one am glad I'm back to blogging and sharing with you my diet woes. It keeps me in line.
Some of you my know that before the reboot I did a video blog every Monday were I'd share my diet adventures. Then I simply fell off the wagon and shut down the blog only to return a few months ago. During that time balloned went up 2.5 stones, 30 pounds to my lovely American mates.However I refused to allow the same fate to befall me this time and you know what i didn't. I caught myself thanks to my fitness pal, a good support system and you lovely people who leave comments on my blog. While my life has gotten a lot crazier thanks to working two part time jobs during the holiday season, being an editor over at a new online magazine that isn't scheduled to launch until December, going to school, and working on my Broken Playlist Novels I found that I worked out less. Unlike before I didn't stop working out I simply worked out less. This has to change. Working out is what has kept me from feeling as if I've had to restrain myself when it comes to food. I love sweets.

Things like brownies, cheesecake, Hershey's with almonds are things I often ate over things that were 100% better for me.

Though I did eat better healthy in my time away. I wasn't gorging on sweets. I did pretty well.

Fuel

                        Lunch

                 Mini Cone (My new sweets)

I need to get back to doing A LOT MORE OF THIS

I used to watch the BIGGEST LOSER. It was inspiring to think that those people sometimes heavier than me could lose so much weight. I went out brought Jilliana's and Bob's DVD's and up until recently they were collecting dust. On the show people would always say I don't feel right if I don't work out. I thought they were B.S. but it's true I don't feel right when I don't workout, even though I've been working out less I can tell it's not the same as when I push myself for that extra 30 minutes or hour. There is nothing like working out and waking up with sore muscles. For me it's a sign that I've done something right.


Another thing I'm promising myself I'll get back to this month is running. Every time I take this 262 pound body out for a run I feel empowered. It doesn't matter whether I ran around my neighbourhood park 4xs or on the treadmill. The fact that I can still do something I did every day when I was 120 pounds and nearly ten years younger makes me feel ah-mazing. To get that kind of empowerment back I might just have to wake up with the birds. Feeling good about myself has to be something that comes first instead of secondary. So this month the name of the game is putting my heath first. Sure work, school, and building up a future worth living is important but being happy to look in the mirror, not being embarrassed any time someone from my past sees me and raises an eyebrow at how much weight I've gained, and never having to say when I was smaller (insert line here) again will help shape me for a brighter future.


 I dread doing these the most but it is time for me to show a pictures of progress however small.

262 pounds November

268 pounds October

272 pounds September

 262 November

 268 October

272 September 

In clothing I take pictures of myself clothed as well.  

At Work Lavatory

Inside School's Lavatory

(The guy taking this pic was being beyond weird hence the bizarre facial expression)

Thanks so much for following me in my weight loss journey. It's another month time to forge ahead with my journey.

J. Sky

 

Starting a Juice Diet

I came across a  blog that I love and they're on a juice diet kick after watching the film Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. I've recently watched the film and now I'm considering starting a juice diet but I'm terrified of what can happen. In the film both Joe and Phil took time off of work, as you lot know I'm just entering back into the working environment there is no way I can afford to take time off after spending all this time searching for employment. On the other hand I'd love to have their weight loss results. That brings me to the topic of this post. Is starting a juice diet the right decision?



For a good amount of money I can go on the blueprint cleanse and see what happens in the days that follow. But I don't have that kind of money, add in the uncertainty and well we're right back where we started.




When I do have the money to spend I think I'll use Naked green machine and mighty mango for my cleanse. Until then I think I'll try something simple like replacing two meals with whey protein just to see if I can handle not physically chewing my food.


Have you guys ever tired a juice fast? How long did you last? Leave me a comment and let me know.


J. Sky

From a Size 22 to a 20. Bam!

As you lot know I have been crazy busy going to job interviews. Not to mention school, plus an new online fashion magazine I'm editor and chief of. One of the interviews was with Banana Republic. After my interview I decided to go to the Old Navy next door. I generally loath trying on clothes. But I wanted to know if my current weight lose of 11 pounds would make a difference. At first I was horrified.

I tried on several things I thought were adorable. They didn't fit or fit but didn't look right. That put me in a bad mood.

 Then this amazing thing happened I tried on some jeans.

Yes it makes a difference. You lot have no idea how proud of myself I am. I'm a size 20. I can still see a bit of a tummy but we have to start somewhere. 

Jay